How The Grinch Stole The TARDIS

This is what happens when you watch a marathon, while surrounded by childrens' books. Apologies to Dr Seuss, and dedicated to Tory Moore, who did this already.


All Companions and friends liked the TARDIS a lot
But the Grinch, a disgruntled ex-Time Lord, did not!

The Grinch hates the TARDIS! The Doctor that rides it!
But what, you may ask, gives such cause to despise it?

It could be, perhaps, that he doesn’t like blue.
It could be envy, for his wanting one too.

But I think or the reasons, the relevant one
May be this – that the TARDIS is used to have FUN.

But, whatever the reason we credit it to,
The Grinch had a gripe with the Doc they call Who.

As he sulked in his spaceship, a cold, drafty place
And imagined the TARDIS explore time and space,

For he knew Doctor Who that was sitting inside
Was even now on some galactic joyride.

"He’s a big stupid tourist," he snarled. “It’s a sham!”
"Time travel is serious! Just like I am!"

Then he growled, with a growl that suggested a smoker,
"I must steal the TARDIS away from that joker!

For, this moment, I know Doctor Who’s on a spree
To roll willy-nilly about history!

To shop! To meet girls! Oh, the girls! Girls! Girls! Girls!
That’s what I hate most! All his girls! GIRLS! GIRLS! GIRLS!

All those girls squeak and squeal, so entranced by his spiel.
I just can’t understand this guy’s constant appeal!
They'll blow off their boyfriends. They leave their own weddings.
They risk disembowelment, enslavement, beheadings.
They all fall in love with the Doctor, that cad,
And when they admit it, he tells them, ‘too bad!
I’m a Time Lord, you know, we don’t go for that stuff,
And if you don’t like that, well missy, that’s tough!’
But the ladies don’t mind because each of them’s sure
This time he’ll be different; he’ll change just for her!

Then he’ll say something cute, and the girl will just laugh.
Then he’ll laugh! And they'll laugh! And they'll LAUGH! LAUGH! LAUGH! LAUGH!

They'll laugh, and as if on the locals’ behalf,
Go visit the worst of galactic riff-raff!

And there, on that planet all covered in snow,
He will visit the Ood that he freed long ago,

They'll stand close together, with mind-cords a-swinging.
They'll stand brain-in-hand, and those Ood will start singing!"

"And they'll sing! And they'll sing! And they'll SING! SING! SING! SING!"
And the more the Grinch thought of the Ood and their song,
The more the Grinch thought, "No! This whole thing is wrong!

Ten regenerations I've put up with it now!
I must go and I’ll steal the TARDIS! But how?"

Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
The Grinch got a wonderful, awful idea!

"I know just what to do!" And his smile was big.
"I'll pick out a dress and some heels and a wig.

Then I’ll track down the Doctor, and then I’ll pretend
I just think he’s a dream! I’LL be his new best friend!”

"It’s the ideal plan!" Then he thought of a snag.
“He will know I’m a Time Lord, despite my great drag!”

If this gave him pause, the Grinch would have denied it.
“He won’t know I’m a Time Lord if I can just hide it!”

So he took a fob watch, and some wires and springs
- Doohickeys a Time Lord keeps round for such things -

Once he tucked all his Time Lord-ness, all the while fuming,
Deep down inside the watch, he could pass for a human!

Then the Grinch said "Huzzah! Now I’ll bugger that fool!”
And he headed for Cardiff, where the Doc would refuel.

(If you’re wondering how he remembered his plot
When concealed as he was in the watch, wonder not.
He’d left himself a note hidden by the teapot.)

"Now I just need to wait – he’ll get what he deserves!”
As he climbed to the rooftop, the sky to observe.

While he sat there waiting, he gathered his tools
Of skullduggery, pilfery, theft, and misrules.

The very first thing, the way he must start this
Was fashion a key to the door of the TARDIS.

“And when Doctor Who shows up,” the Grinch planned with pride,
"I’ll run right to the TARDIS and I’LL get inside!

Then I’ll lock the door quick, while the Doc and his chippie
Are stuck in the cold with their noses all drippy!

Standing there wailing, with nothing to do,
Thus falleth the mighty! The great Doctor Who!

Then I’LL take the controls, and I’ll galaxy-hop
While he and his tart go get jobs in a shop.

With the TARDIS, I’ll travel to old Gallifrey,
Where still rages the Time War no others can see,

And I’ll use this great weapon as it was intended -
The world of the Time Lords expertly defended.

Then they’ll call me a hero!” He shouted with glee.
"They’ll give me a medal! Build temples to me!

They might even make me their king when I’m done!”
Then he heard a shout, “Oi! What you on about, son?”

He turned and beheld, looking quite like a myth,
He saw Sarah Jane Smith, whom he’d not reckoned with.

She stared at the Grinch and said, "What did you say?
Do you know the Doctor? Is he on his way?"

Did he panic? Oh no, that old Grinch was so sly,
He’d readied a story even this girl would buy.

"It’s an honour, Miss Smith – didn’t mean to offend -
"See, I’m meeting the Doctor here. I’m his new friend.

And he said, ‘wait alone for the TARDIS right here’
So I need you to go. His instructions were clear."

With no reason to doubt this, Miss Smith said good night
And went home, following K-9’s little red lights.

And then Sarah Jane Smith, she departed the place
Not a moment too soon, for he looked into space

And he saw the TARDIS come rocket, careening,
It hurtled through space-time, the vortex still gleaming.
Has to pinch himself twice to be sure he’s not dreaming.

It materialized then, on the street, in the snow.
Since the brakes were on, it made that noise we all know

The Grinch worked his way down – from the roof he did steal
Though he found it quite difficult wearing those heels.

The Doctor came out, with his friend, from his ship,
Laughing to bust from their most recent trip.

They didn’t look twice after locking the door.
They’d been off having fun! They would go find some more!

Then quick as a flash, there the Grinch was within,
Staring round the TARDIS with a devilish grin.

"Pooh-pooh, Doctor Who!" he was tickled to say.
"Your TARDIS is mine, and we’re off on our way!

I’ll work the controls! I know just what to do!
And when you come back in an hour or two
Then the great Doctor Who will start crying boo-hoo!

That's a noise," grinned the Grinch, "that I simply must hear!"
He paused, and the Grinch put a hand to his ear.

And he did hear a sound, ‘cross the cosmos it came.
It started out lame, then began to inflame!

And it lifted his mood -
Twas the song of the Ood!

From their faraway planet, the Ood sent a song
Travelling through time and space, and it sounded out strong!

The song was uplifting, it rang through the stars.
I bet you can hear it, wherever you are.

And the Grinch, after all of his plotting and work
Thought, “This I don’t get. Doctor Who is a jerk,

With his girls and his jokes and his tricks and his fun
I have none of those things, so they have to be dumb!

Why on earth would the Ood send this beautiful song?”
Then a small voice inside him said “dude, you were wrong.

So the Doctor might not be the man you would make him.
In the Doctor, perhaps, maybe you were mistaken?”

And what happened then? Well, the Time Lords all ken
That the Grinch realized what a schmuck he had been.

He understood then, in his nature human
That existence just sucks if one doesn’t have fun!

And now his humanity rose to the fore
He ran and he opened the blue TARDIS door,

Then he called to the Doctor, who came running back
(he’d been off trying to suss out a universe crack).

The Grinch hugged the Doctor. He gave back the key.
He said of the watch, “Don’t return this to me.

As a Time Lord, I think, I was grouchy and bad.
Humanity’s taught me there’s fun to be had!

You travel by two, but you could make it three -
D’you think there’d be room in your TARDIS for me?”